Since the 2008 release of my book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, I have received thousands of emails from all over the world. The grassroots movement of adult children of narcissistic parents is much larger than imagined. I knew my own research and clinical practice had uncovered a serious disorder that had affected many, but I had no idea the extent to which the legacy of distorted love had smattered the globe. Narcissism has inhabited our culture and the generational legacy must be stopped.  Our children and grandchildren as well as daughters themselves deserve recovery assistance.

I see the effects as I meet and interview women and men raised by narcissists. The plaguing self-doubt, difficulties with parenting and relationships, self-worth issues, impending depression, anxiety, and emptiness, would cause any therapist to reach out.

When I presented the first workshop in 2009, the most striking element was the power of women together realizing they are not alone. In that workshop, I was only able to present the global educational nature of this problem in the one day scheduled.

Now it is time to focus on recovery. As I receive numerous emails, questions, and tragic stories from all walks of life, I am reaching out with a recovery workshop. While I detailed the five-step recovery model in my book, the workshop in October will be specifically structured in 2 and ½ days to walk you through those recovery steps.

What is different about coming to the workshop versus reading the book? I want you to read the book and get the overview first, but let me tell you the benefits of joining us in October. Daughters report feeling alone and isolated, wondering if they are crazy, and experiencing the inability to discuss this taboo topic. Who understands and how do you explain it?  Here in Denver, you will know you are not alone. You can read about this, but being together cuts the isolation and drives home the fact that you are really, really, not alone.

The power of numbers in the sisterhood uniting has incredible merit. The steps involve years of intense therapy all rolled into a focused weekend. While you won’t finish recovery in a weekend, you will have the roadmap for continued intervention. I will be here to guide you with the very program I used myself and have used with hundreds of women. It is time tested, effective and it works. This healing weekend will be an uninterrupted time for you to work safely and privately on nurturing yourself and your inner child. You will also be connecting with others who can support and understand. 

I warmly extend this invitation to all of you who have written to me, followed us on the prior Forum, Facebook, Twitter, and Psychology Today. This weekend in October we will be addressing the taboo topic and unpacking the route to a better life and a way to prevent passing on this insidious legacy of distorted love. While this is a daughters workshop, therapists are encouraged to attend too as we are very invested in training mental health providers to spread the recovery model to your client base. If you are a mental health provider, you will also receive a 20-hour CEU letter.

The Inverness Hotel is wonderful and reasonable. The Rocky Mountains are gorgeous in the fall. It is a beautiful and serene place to kick-start your hope renewed. We are working hard to make this a life-changing event. We can’t wait to see you. Bring your significant others, siblings, and friends. This may help them understand you better too. Everyone is welcome. 

Click here on October Workshop icon to the right and register to join us now. Early registration deadline is July 1.

A few comments from prior workshop attendees:

“The validation that came about for me was incredible. You don’t know me, yet you described my life as you spoke. So, I am not crazy, I am not making it up, or I am not feeling sorry for myself. I now understand that PTSD is real and it is not my fault and it’s ok. I will get through this. Life is good.”

“This conference has opened my eyes, my mind, and my heart to all the other incredible women who have had to go through this. You have changed my life. You are our angel.”

“You and your book and this conference are a miracle. You are like Bill W. who founded AA….starting a whole new movement. May God allow your message to spread widely and heal millions of women and men too.”

“You have survived, are thriving and giving and passing it on. Thanks a million for this workshop and your invaluable service.”

“Thank you, Dr. McBride for not only doing this workshop but for taking the courage to use your own experience to bridge our lives and help us heal.”

“What a blessing your work is to so many women! Thank you for your insight, clarity and energy – the impact of your work is and will continue to be deep and wide as so many women achieve true freedom and a genuine sense of self. As a therapist, I am so grateful as I watch my clients experience true transformation. Thank You!”

Happy Mother’s Day To All!

Although a difficult day for many daughters of narcissistic mothers, we can find comfort in our internal recovery. A significant part of daughter’s recovery is building an internal mother who is always there when you need her. This internal mother is best understood as your own maternal instincts.  It’s the internal voice that speaks to you and wants to nurture, love and mother YOU! Give her permission to come forward and be with you today. As you confer with her more and more, she will grow and become stronger. Take some special time today for yourself and talk to her. Soak up the warmth of everything you find wonderful today. Look for those things you love and adore. Remind yourself of the good in your life. Hug your kids and family. Go to the mirror and smile at yourself! See that adorable little girl who needs you right now! Let kindness and empathy rule the day but turn that on you and let it be there in your special heart of hearts.

I want to say that in my twenty plus years of talking to other daughters, ( interviews, treating, evaluating, etc…) our sisterhood is a pool of warm, loving, wonderful women who want to parent in different ways, stop the legacy of distorted love, change the generational patterns, and heal to be real.

I know how special you are. My heart is with you today. I am deeply touched by all of you.

Dr. Karyl

After spending a year or so blogging for Psychology Today, I am finally getting the hang of this blog deal. Because I get many emails and the sisterhood and brotherhood out there of adult children of narcissistic parents is large and growing, it feels right to now add a personal blog where you all can share more too. While I am writing, researching, maintaining a private practice and trying to have a personal life too…who knows how I will do with this, but here is the beginning of yet another journey on the web. Being more personal is really more my style so this may be easier.

First, I want to let you all know that we have a workshop coming up! Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Workshop is being held in October in Denver, Colorado. We are holding it at The Inverness Hotel which is a lovely spa and retreat center with lots of room to roam and work recovery. It will be in the autumn so the Rocky Mountains should be beautiful then. I hope you all will join us there. It may be the only in-person workshop I am able to do. It remains my passion and committment to share this recovery journey with all of you. It is time-tested and one I used for myself and my clients. I’m spending my summer preparing for the 2 and 1/2 days of healing activities.

I plan to write about Mother’s Day next. It is getting closer. Just bought the card. Ya know what I mean? More to come on this!

Cheers and I will be back soon.

Dr. K.

Many adult children of narcissistic parents are finding themselves in the sandwich generation. Statistics reveal that one in eight adults are simultaneously supporting their own children and grandchildren while also providing assistance to aging parents. It’s a stressful time for most, but what if that parent is narcissistic and consequently you don’t have a strong emotional connection? Perhaps there has been childhood abuse and a lifelong lack of bonding or closeness. You may have had limited contact for years or even no contact. Maybe you have a superficial relationship and talk only about the weather or mundane topics. Now your parent has reached the age where elder care is needed. What do you do?

A recent client told me, “the stress is overwhelming and I feel like the meat in the sandwich.” Her pain was palpable. The struggle of resources being stretched in many directions is certainly a sign of the times. But, there is an additional strain for adult children of narcissistic parents. When raised by a narcissist, the healthy parental hierarchy is skewed. The child is expected to be there to serve the parent and is unlikely to get his or her own needs met. When that parent becomes elderly the expectation becomes more intense. The soul searching begins. Suddenly guilt, obvious disconnectedness and disturbing childhood memories cause an internal battle. Things don’t change in narcissistic families. The patterns repeat. You find yourself in yet another adult passage of life. Where do you go from here?

I’ve talked to adult children of narcissistic parents on all ends of the spectrum. Some have taken their parents in, some have maintained no contact, some have suffered because they didn’t have feelings when the parent passed on, and some are in the midst of it right now. The juggling of resources and care includes the inevitable bouncing around of ambivalent emotions. I believe the answers lie within each individual and family circumstance and rely heavily on your own stage of recovery.

In my study of maternal narcissism, I found that most “others” do not understand this struggle with “mothers.” I believe it is the same if the parent was a narcissistic father. This leaves you with few people to rely on, talk to, and gain understanding. Within the narcissistic family you will likely find disconnectedness or denial with other members, siblings, etc…some who may have embraced education and understanding and most who have not. So, you are left with you and your internal debate.

Guilt is not your best mentor. But, I do believe there are two important things to consider. One is your value system and the other is your stage of recovery. While others are reacting to “Grandma needs us!” “We are horrible people if we don’t respond right now.” “My father has always been demanding and here it is again.” We can safely take some time for our own consideration and feel good about that. It may be lonely, but it’s a part of this mature season.

Let’s look first at your stage of recovery. In Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, I have identified a five-step recovery model for adult children of narcissistic parents. In brief, the first three steps include acceptance, grief, and separation/individuation with building a solid sense of self. Interestingly enough, I have found that decisions about the relationship you will ultimately have with the narcissistic parent can’t be soundly made before these steps are completed. This means that internal recovery work must be done first. Many people want to jump ahead in recovery before completing the other steps. This may cause decisions that don’t feel right in the end. So, if you have successfully and sequentially completed steps one, two, and three, your decision about what to do with the elderly narcissistic parent will fall into place more easily. You can work this recovery program by following the steps in the book, seeking therapy from a trained professional, or by attending our upcoming workshop where we will be working the recovery steps together.

Secondly, it is important to discern your own value system. If you are continually guided by guilt or “shoulding all over yourself,” you will not necessarily make good decisions or be a considerate caregiver. The important thing to remember here is that if your parent had limitations in empathy and was unable to love, this does not mean that you cannot love. You may have had an influential grandparent, or other adult who guided you. Maybe you did your own personal work. Knowing how to love is more important than being loved! When we know how to love, we can make decisions based on our own values that feel good to us, even though we may be giving to someone who has not been able to reciprocate. While this may seem counterintuitive, it makes sense in practice. When we have worked our own recovery that includes self-fulfillment and gentle internal empathy, we are more able to give what feels right to us. We learn to do that with good self-care and appropriate boundaries. It no longer has anything to do with tit for tat. It is about following your heart.

That said, there are some adult children who were raised by such toxic parents that they couldn’t be around them or care for them. This is also good self-care. But, it is a very individual decision and should be made after recovery steps are taken and embraced. Each of us knows what is right for us when we take the time to work the recovery. We cannot judge another’s path. I know many people who had to make a decision to completely separate from their family of origin and for good reason.

In the juggling of these intimate decisions know that you really are not alone. Come join the sisterhood and brotherhood of adult children of narcissistic parents to gain support and understanding. Stay with us for continued resources. We are here. It’s ok to talk about it!